What is it that is keeping my tears back.why am i feeling so pain still.Am i not facing reality? How long am i going to stay this way. How much more tears am i going to drop. Is it that difficult to forget? Or am i the one having all those stupid problems?
Sometimes i feel as if the bond is still there,sometimes i feel as if i am the most stupid person on earth.You don't even miss me,you don't even think of me.You have your friends,and they are always the most important ones in your heart.You have your brothers,you can find them after you book out every friday,what about me?I can only use tons and tons of work and files and accounts to put you down.so that i will not be able to think about you.Even shopping,i will have to think of a day-friday,where all army boys will be home because they booked out from camp.Why am i doing all these,i don't understand.Doing all these just because i don't want to be reminded of you,reminded of the hidden bandaged wound in my heart,that needs no operation because the only doctor do not wish to operate on me.In fact,the wound is too deep that it is hard to heal on its own.At this point of time,where are you.
I kept telling myself,"Stop crying.He don't want you already you still cry for fuck."Making yourself more and more worthless only.For whom i cry,for whom am i putting myself into the test of love.For what am i trying to convince myself that i am going to forget him someday.For what am i trying to lie to myself,oh i don't love him already.Why am i the only one suffering in silence when you can be the one playing outside.Did you tell me all the love you's for the sake of saying it? Do you not mean it when you say them? Or is it because you wished to play me right from the beginning.Thanks,thanks for making my heart shatter so much for you.Thanks for making that knife that was meant to be sitting on the table pierced through my heart that it bled continuously.
I don't know if you ever loved me before like how you said you did.
I don't know if you mean it when you say that you will always have me in your heart.
I don't know if you mean it when you say you like me.
I don't know if you ever missed me like how i always do.
I don't know if you have ever hoped that i was having the keys to your heart right from the beginning instead of
her.
I don't know if everything will be like usual if
she didn't call you that faithful night.
Maybe its the feeling of loss,maybe its the loss of physical contact between you two,maybe we were not even meant to be,maybe i shouldn't have even cried for you,or maybe i shouldn't have even fell for you,maybe you could be more adamant and i might not fall for you,maybe you could have just kept her by your side instead of lying to your heart and telling me that you love me,maybe i am just so stupid,maybe i shoudnt even be living,maybe i should have just left with jovan korkor...I don't know what i'm thinking, I don't know how should i feel. I just had another round of breaking down just now.Why must i always be mentioned and reminded of him when i had tried super hard not to be reminded. I'm sorry to those that i've yelled at, that i've screamed at, or scolded. I just wanna say that I am just an ordinary girl, i need alot of time. I am not god or deity, i dont have special powers to make myself forget him in just a day or two.
I dont want to not face up to reality.
But,its hard yo.
& I dare not deny the fact that i still love you.But, i seemed to be just dreaming.
